Kristy Drower was just a teenager when she began a relationship with her abuser, believing he was her “knight in shining armour” come to rescue her from a traumatic childhood.

But the man who would become her husband, Peter Michael Denham, was anything but her saviour.

Denham’s abuse started with gaslighting and controlling manipulation but soon escalated to physical violence. Over the years, Drower was attacked, beaten, choked and even raped by her husband.

Drower’s three-year journey towards justice finally came to an end in March when Denham was sentenced in Sydney’s District Court of NSW to 16 years jail, with a non-parole period of 12 years.

The sentencing came after the court found Denham guilty last September on a slew of charges brought by the NSW Director of Public Prosecutions, including stalking, assault, choking and aggravated sexual assault.

Drower said when she heard the judge pronounce her ex-husband’s sentence she finally felt relief that she and her children could now “live in a world without fear”.

“It’s been a long journey,” she said.

“I can’t even describe in words how hard that court process was. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

“I’m strong, but I’m not going lie, there were times where I was just thinking, I can’t do this anymore.

“It is no wonder so many women drop out. It’s horrendous.”

Having held on with grim determination, Drower is now sharing her story in a bid to give other victims of domestic violence hope.

“I want to give people hope for a better future so that they don’t give up. The (perpetrators) don’t have to win,” she said.

Drower describes her rock bottom as coming after a particularly horrific beating from her husband. Soon after, she fled her home in the middle of the night and ended up in a mental health facility in Wyong on the NSW Central Coast.

There, Drower was diagnosed with PTSD, Stockholm syndrome, situational psychosis, anxiety and depression, all directly related to the domestic violence she had endured for so many years.

“I was one step from death. I was either going to do something or I was going to die,” she said.

Drower vowed her husband would never attack her again.

“There was no choice, that was my absolute bottom,” she said.

‘He presented as calm, I presented as unhinged’

In direct contrast to the horror he inflicted on Drower behind closed doors, Denham was known as an upstanding family man within the community.

“He presented as the calm one,” she said, adding Denham would do everything he could to smear her reputation.

“I presented as unhinged. I was worn out. I had erratic behavior. I looked like I was on drugs. These are classic symptoms of abuse and trauma.

“If you ask those people in the community, ‘Do you think he is an abuser?’ they will tell you, ‘No way. I could not imagine him hurting anyone, he is a good bloke.'”

When Drower went to the police, Denham would turn the accusations back on her, she said.

“On one particular night, I was beaten so badly that to get him to stop, I threatened to call the police,” she said.

“He snatched the phone out of my hand, proceeded to lock me in the room and then he called the police on me, stating I had attacked him with a knife, but informed the police he did not want to press charges.

“The report was taken. I was listed as the abuser. This created more fear and a clear message, not to do this again.”

Despite that fear, Drower kept going to the police.

“He was charged on quite a few occasions, and a few things would happen. He would either get bail until his next court date, do hours in community service, or be made the complete courses for aggressive behaviour,” she said.

“On other occasions, I would end up dropping the charges due to coercion, knowing his behaviour would escalate if I ever tried to leave.”

It wasn’t until her case landed on the right detective’s desk that “everything shifted”, Drower said.

At the Central Coast police station she attended there were three female police officers – a team leader and two detectives – who Drower says were pivotal in building a watertight case that would enable her to get justice in the courts.

The two detectives assigned to her case were well-trained in sexual assault matters, Drower said.

“They were able to investigate him properly, and they had the skills and the knowledge,” she said.

“They were both so good at their job and used to dealing with high-risk personalities, they knew how they operated, how they worked.”

Critically, the three women backed her, Drower said.

“They put a lot of work into me because they could tell that I was ready to fight.

“I didn’t want to live like this for the rest of my life, and I was willing to fight for myself. We all worked together as a team.”

Drower also credits the healing work she put into her mental health with helping her stay strong as the case against Denham dragged through the courts.

After seeing a trauma-informed psychologist and being prescribed medication after her stay at the Wyong mental health facility, Drower said she began exploring holistic healing techniques such as breath work, somatic work, hypnotherapy and neurolinguistic programming.

“The mental health effects that come out of domestic violence are horrific, and they infiltrate the whole family system,” she said.

“There needs to be more healing services available for victims of domestic violence so that they can rebuild their lives, it’s the biggest missing component that there is.”

Denham was charged by police in 2022, and the case took three years to get through the court to sentencing.

While systems had been put in place to help make the court process easier for domestic violence and sexual assault complainants, such as being able to testify remotely, this did not change the fact that the whole process was tipped in the perpetrator’s favour, Drower believes.

Denham succeeded in halting the proceedings twice, Drower said, once when the first trial was vacated over a dispute about police evidence and secondly when the first jury was disbarred.

“It’s not about the victim, it’s about ensuring that the perpetrator gets a fair trial. So everything is geared towards the perpetrator, and it’s horrendous for victims, because it feels so unfair and unjust.”

Drower said it was sheer determination, and the access she had to the healing techniques she learned, that kept her from giving up.

“If I didn’t have that I would have quit. What it took and the lengths he went to to try and stop me from testifying during the trial and through other sources, it pushed me to the absolute brim.”

Now Drower travels around sharing her story in the hopes of helping other domestic violence survivors. She runs self-empowerment groups and contributes her lived expertise to government working panels on coercive control.

“When I ended up in the mental health unit, my cognitive impairment was so bad that I had a stutter. I couldn’t sleep. I had situational psychosis,” she said.

“The capacity at which I operate now is better than before the abuse.”

Drower said her message to other domestic violence victims was simple: “Fight for yourself. Do the healing. Do the work on yourself. You’re worth it.”

National Domestic Violence Service: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).