There’s a certain way a coach must address defeat

It’s always difficult to judge a coach from the outside. We have so little knowledge of what goes on behind closed doors, of what the coach is trying to achieve, how he’s trying to achieve it and of what kind of connection he has with the players, that getting a real handle on how he’s performing is no easy task for the external observer.

Or at least, that would be the case if we cared about any of that. Given that we don’t, it’s actually extremely easy to judge a coach, especially when you start from the default position that the coach is always terrible until proven otherwise. And as patriotic Australians, that is definitely the position we start from.

After the Wallabies’ defeat to Argentina on the weekend, which not only set a new record for points conceded but officially moved into the Top 20 Greatest Australian Catastrophes of All Time, just below the Battle of the Nek and just above Nikki Webster, it’s only natural that we go looking for answers – or if not answers, human sacrifices.

Now, Joe Schmidt, as Wallabies coach, will have a lot to do after the defeat, in terms of addressing weaknesses, adjusting strategy and tactics, seeking to improve player performance and rebuilding shattered morale. But all of these are minor issues: the primary job of any coach is to placate the fans. As such, there is no greater responsibility after a loss like this than the response delivered in the post-game presser. Get it wrong and you will simply inflame the anger of the fans and cement your reputation as the worst coach Australia has ever had since last year. Get it right and…well, it’s hard to say, as no coach has ever got it right.

Well, that needs to change. On-field performance aside, Joe Schmidt has a sacred trust: making public statements that make us feel good about ourselves, and thus far he’s failed miserably. However, ever eager to help, I am providing here a handy guide to post-game comments, for Schmidt – or indeed any other coach – to follow in future.

POINT ONE: THERE ARE NEVER ANY POSITIVES

This is true even when your team has won, usually: as all Australian rugby fans know, all victories are hollow and only serve as terrifying harbingers of how horrible things are about to get when the Wallabies face a decent team who will expose all the flaws that miraculous luck prevented from triggering doom this time around.

But when there’s a loss, it’s even more true: humiliating defeat has been suffered and to suggest there are any positives is a slap in the face to all the loyal supporters who have for decades been providing constructive abuse through thick and thin. For a losing coach to bring up the matter of “positives” is simply craven blame-dodging – a courageous coach will ALWAYS admit that the game was a complete failure.

The hope is for improvement: how can players improve if they are made to believe that they did anything right? And if they did anything right, why did we lose? And if there were any positives, why do I feel such a hollow sensation in my very soul and wish for nothing more than to be consumed by cleansing fire? Answer me, that Pollyanna Schmidt.

POINT TWO: DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES

Making excuses for defeat is cowardly and entrenches mediocrity. No matter what a coach may say in private, if he publicly makes excuses for a defeat, the players are bound to allow the public mood to infiltrate their psyches. Thus, when addressing the media, the coach must NEVER make excuses for a loss.

Common excuses, like “we had a lot of injuries”, “the referee made mistakes”, “we didn’t have any luck”, “the other team was better”, “we aren’t good enough at rugby”, are unacceptable. The coach must stand up in manly fashion and say quite clearly, “There are no excuses for this loss: it was a simple result of all the players and myself being stupid and lazy and deliberately trying to destroy this country’s sporting reputation and national pride. It will probably happen again”. This kind of honesty is what’s needed if progress is to be possible.

POINT THREE: DO NOT DEFEND YOUR PLAYERS

Again, what’s said in private may vary, but in public messages need to be clear and unambiguous. The coach must not fall into the trap of creating the impression that he is on his players’ side. Every rugby team is a battle of wills between coach and players, and a coach that suggests he has sympathy for the men in his charge is a coach who will lose that battle. If a journalist asks a question about how a particular player performed, the correct answer is, “Yes, he was f—ing awful, wasn’t he? I hate him so much.”

If a question is posed regarding the possibility of a certain player being selected, the correct answer is, “I’ll pick him if I have no choice, even though he is horrible.” Overall, the impression must be given that every individual player is a disgrace. This is called motivation. I’m not saying that a coach needs to announce that, were the legal sanctions only less severe, he would murder each and every one of his squad – but he should definitely drop the odd hint that this is what he’s thinking.

POINT FOUR: GIVE THE MEDIA CREDIT

The media does not pick the team, train the team or run out onto the field at game time. That’s what makes us so calm and objective and able to be right so often. When addressing the media after a disastrous Test match, the coach needs to be humble and admit that if only he’d done what we told him to, everything would’ve been fine. If he did do what we told him to and it didn’t work, he needs to admit that he did it without really believing in it, and this sabotaged all their efforts. It would be nice if we got the occasional cuddle too.

POINT FIVE: DON’T GIVE THE OPPOSITION CREDIT

As Napoleon said, nobody ever got anywhere by respecting their enemies, and the same goes for rugby (many were surprised that Napoleon mentioned rugby at all, but it demonstrates the passion for the game that has always existed in France). Once you start giving credit to the other team, you’re on a very slippery slope that ends with your players asking Eben Etzebeth for his autograph and shyly slipping affectionate notes to All Blacks during the haka.

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Not only does it sap the morale to give your players the idea that the other side are any good, it also contradicts what has to be the main thrust of any coaching philosophy: that your players are dreadful and everything is their fault.

POINT SIX: RESIGN

Defeat is the exact opposite of what a coach is trying to do. If you are defeated, you have failed. The only honourable thing to do is resign. God knows how a coach who doesn’t resign after a loss can look himself in the mirror.